Rhemalight

LOVE
Recently, I was checking my website’s statistics and noticed-though not amazed-that most clicks and visits were to the relationships’ articles. It got me to thinking about how much we like to study and read about love. To add, most people I talk to desire to have great relationships. However, though many desire to have great relationships and read almost every book on relationships, they report a lot of problems in their relationships and this hurts me. What is the source of this? I don’t think I can answer that question wholly but I can partly. The answer is wrong focus.

The Wrong Focus
Eros:
Most of the information we seek as we prepare for relationships or marriage is to enhance our knowledge on the Eros love. Literature on the other aspects of relationships exists but we seek that which deals with the Eros kind of love. Don’t get me wrong. It is important but it is not the foundation. ISBE comments about the Songs of Solomon in this manner; “The poem is said to be erotic. But the eros is idealized. It may be sensuous, but it is not sensual. It is not selfish. The passion of each finds expression in careful thoughtfulness for the other. It does not turn back to itself in coarse brute craving of lust for its own self-indulgence.” Mark these words in that quote; “other”, “its own” and “not selfish”. I will return to them later.
We can call eros the walls of the house. Without them, you don’t have a house but you can’t have them without a foundation for them to rest on. The foundation is the pre-requisite for the walls. (I surely understand this as a construction manager).

Hence, in this article, I will labor and provide what I believe is the right focus/foundation/pre-requisite for successful relationships. It grieves me a lot when folks break up/separate or divorce especially with such reasons like we just grew apart.

The Right Focus
Recently, I went out with a friend at a local restaurant. He is one fine gentleman that I respect and have learnt a lot from. But, let me first take a side journey here; 3 years back, I started thinking about why I should get married. When I asked people why they wanted to get married, I got all answers ranging from companionship, having children to society expects it. I didn’t feel any of those answers answered why I (Sonko) should enter into a relationship. Finally one day while driving, I started thinking about this and finally zeroed in on this- to show love and love my spouse as God planned it.

Well, let us get back to the evening with the friend;
As we talked, he quoted 2 Samuel 9:2
2Sa 9:1 And David said, Is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?
2Sa 9:2 And there was of the house of Saul a servant whose name was Ziba. And when they had called him to David, the king said to him, Art thou Ziba? And he said, Thy servant is he.
2Sa 9:3 And the king said, Is there not yet any of the house of Saul, that I may show the kindness of God to him? and Ziba said to the king, Jonathan hath yet a son, who is lame in his feet.
I nearly jumped out of my seat because that is similar to what I had been thinking about. And then he added, “do you notice David said ‘the loving kindness of God’ and not his own?”
Brethren this is the right focus- to show the loving kindness/ love of God to another. This love is what Jesus called agape-a word that some bible scholars say was coined by Jesus. By the way, this loving kindness has nothing to do with being a guy or a lady. You have all been called to love and there is no excuse.

AGAPE LOVE
1 Cor 13:1-8-The Amplified Bible, Pradis CD-ROM:1Co 13:1 through 1Co 13:8, Book Version: 5.1.50

1Co 13:1 IF I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1Co 13:2 And if I have prophetic powers ( the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
1Co 13:3 Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing.
1Co 13:4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
1Co 13:5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
1Co 13:6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
1Co 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
1Co 13:8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ( the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

Before we delve deeper into the agape kind of love which I believe is the right focus, let us deal with a couple of misconceptions. Please note that these misconceptions may be specific to relationships or the general Christian life.

1. I don’t have love
When you became born again/saved, the love of God was shed abroad in your heart by the Holy Ghost (Rom 5:5). You have the love of God resident in you and the question is whether you will exercise it or not. It doesn’t make sense to ask God for love. It is like crying for water and noising your thirst abroad with a full glass in one’s hand. People are busy asking God for love which is there all the time inside them. Ok, let me say you have refused to accept the above discussion. Let us try this and if it fails, you might as well send my saddle home, partner. Imagine you see me coming towards your house and so you turn to the person seated next to you. What do you say? “Here comes Sonko in his body!” No you would not say that because when you say ‘Sonko’, it refers to the whole of me including the clothes.
Thayer amplifies the Greek word for name in the following manner;

“the name is used for everything which the name covers, everything the thought or feeling of which is aroused in the mind by mentioning, hearing, remembering, the name, i.e. for one’s rank, authority, interests, pleasure, command, excellences, deeds etc.”

So God is resident on the inside of a born again Christian. This means all His attributes of which we know that love is not one of them are present with him wherever He is. God who is love-not just one of His attributes-is resident in you. Hence it is proper to say Love is personally present in your heart. So for you to say that you don’t have love is like saying God is not in you. Well, if you are still not convinced do more study on your own and meditate on Romans 5:5.

2. Guys are supposed to love
Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Savior of the body.
Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Whenever I bring the element of love, my lady friends always bring up the above scripture. Yes it is true that husbands are commanded to love their wives and they should but in the kingdom, there is no redundancy. God has called all his children whether male or female to love and walk in it. Love is the new testament command so to push it off on the guys is wrong. Actually the word love in this scripture is from the Greek word ‘agapao’ -the same word in 1st Corinthians 13. So there is no excuse for any lady not to love to the level that God has purposed. Guys are also supposed to submit in the fear of God. Yes in a marriage relationship, God specifically directs what wives and husbands are supposed to do but remember you are children of God first.

3. Some people are unlovable
Hey, I know some people who are unlovable. Do you? Those unlovable people include you and me. But God demonstrates his love towards us that while we were still unlovable, Christ died for us.
God has directed us to love one another. This is the New Testament command. It doesn’t say love those who are nice and cool. Jesus said,

“Mat 5:46 For if ye should love those who love you, what reward have ye? Do not also the tax-gatherers the same?
Mat 5:47 And if ye should salute your brethren only, what do ye extraordinary? Do not also the Gentiles the same?
Mat 5:48 Be *ye* therefore perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

You are supposed to show love not based on the recipient but based on what your Lord and savior has commanded you to do. This is where many couples miss it. They only want to love their spouses based on how they act and will use their love as a whip. Let me say this; we usually say no one is perfect and that is true but it is a cliché to many of us. If you say no one is perfect that means imperfections are part and parcel of the imperfect spouse. Hence your love should overlook the faults since they were expected even at the start of the relationship.

4. I can only love those who I see
To love or hate, distance doesn’t affect it. Folks hate guys like Hitler who might have died before they were even born. The ability to love or even hate is based on your nature and not the recipient or distance between the two of you. The nature of the born-again Christian is one of love and that of a heathen is hate. Even their so called love will turn to hate in an instant. Sadly, many Christians have allowed their natural minds to dominate them. You can love by thoughts if you so desire.(refer to my article on loving through your thoughts). This goes a long way in helping you develop your love walk. Bwana, you don’t have any excuse not to love.

“Love is due to your nature and should not be exercised based on recipient!”

“Loving somebody has nothing to do with being related and everything to do with opening your heart and letting someone in.” quote from the movie ‘Love’s Unfolding Dream’