Rhemalight

Ebenezer: This far the Lord has brought me! The series “Commitment to love” have been the longest running on this website having started one year back. In retrospect, it never occurred to me that 1 year later I would still be expounding on Love. Well, God is Love and He will never be fathomed to the utmost depth. For the illumination, I give thanks to God and I pray He will continue to provide it to us. I have heard many testimonies of how couples have improved in this area after reading or hear me share these truths. Glory to God for ever more

On Sunday, 12th July 2009, I had a rich fellowship with men of like precious faith. I made a statement which is the gist of this article;
“In marriage, there should never be competition except to outdo the other in Love”

Delving into what transpired after that I shall not do but some of their thoughts are embedded.

The Competition
When you get married, the bible states clearly that you become one. This is my perspective on this. My wife is my glory. When she blossoms, it is I blossoming and vice versa. When we talk about the glory of God being strong in a place that means we are also referring to his presence. For the glory is a manifestation of the presence. I have stated several times that it is in the commitment to love that competition should flourish. Stop fighting your spouse. A local artiste stated it well this way, “Marriage is not a garrison of your enemy or your enemy’s camp!” (Obufumbo si nkambi ya mulabe wo)

Marriage should be bliss with differences looked at in the proper perspective. Deal with the hindrances. Your spouse is not the problem. Sonko, you don’t know my spouse. He is the problem. Well, have you looked in the mirror lately? I mean the mirror of the word. Let it provide the answers to the situation. People need to grow but if you think you are going to change them, forget it. As you train yourself to study and put into practice the word, you will change. Change is of philosophy. Without that, there can never be genuine change. So what is the problem? Wills are only controlled by the owner and the “hard” part is that you can will any way you want whether I like it or not. Concentrate on yourself to change.

I have seen folks trying to show that the other is more spiritual. It was so bad that I just quit. Couples should impress one another by love but not through carnality. Like a friend of mine said recently, it is like kids at a dance contest. Each party is laboring and showing the other what they got with the other trying to do it better.
Where there is envy, strife and divisions, there is carnal tendencies and we are called to be spiritual not carnal. On this note, your spouse should not fight for your attention. Preeminence should be accorded to them. Your buddies, children etc should never take your spouse’s position.

Why do People Compete
1. Self Esteem
Self esteem is found wanting in many people and this leads to the party lacking it asserting themselves in devilish ways. Arrogance, manipulation, being demanding and silly commands are sometimes symptoms of low self esteem and usually become the order of the day. Please mark that they are outside oriented while some can be inward oriented e.g. overeating, dieting, isolation and silence etc,

If your self esteem is low, it is pertinent that you deal with it prior to engagement in a relationship and if you are already in one, work on its development. In the series “Who do you think you are?” I discuss your status as God describes it. Knowledge of your standing as God does is the path to conforming to Jesus’ image and also the door out of low self esteem. Recently, I got a car and no matter what anybody says, it is mine because I paid for it and have its card. I can’t be swayed by any talk because I have the evidence. Please get the evidence of who you are. Stop blaming your past and other people. You can do something about it. If it is your weight, work on it but don’t be ugly about it. On my return to Uganda, I was fat but I loved myself as I worked on reduction of the kilos as I do now.

Individuals who have very low self esteem labor to try to show they are worth by concentrating on a certain area where they feel they can excel. This is done to cover up the low self esteem. However, when the other party is active in that area, the whole episode may escalate into a fight. If your spouse has low self esteem, please don’t rub it in but spur them into good works. Encourage them; admonish them instead of trying to show them that you are better. It works! I have seen it work in my friends. By the way, you don’t have to prove anything to your spouse. Truth remains truth and it is not affected by belief, time and even acknowledgment. Jesus died for our sins. Whether you believe it or not, that changes nothing.

2. Spiritual Gifts
There is nothing as ugly as a husband or wife trying to show the other how more spiritual they are. If my wife prophesies, walks in the gift of discernment and is more aware of spiritual things, that should make me a proud husband and labor to walk more closely with God and love her more. There is nothing as beautiful as a spiritual woman and that is the kind of woman I desire to be the mother of my children.
Gifts are given to God and you got no say in the matter. So run your race! Instead of trying to give messages in tongues or preaching up a storm, stick to the gift that God gave you. As you are faithful in what God has bestowed upon you, you will reap eternal rewards.

Secondly if your wife has a spiritual gift, don’t be spooky trying to prophesy that which is not there. Just raise your hands and thank God for your wife’s gifts and that she is obedient to God. Yes, I have use wives mostly but this is true with husbands. You should be proud that she is your wife and that if she prospers; you are prospering since you became one.

Thirdly, because you give messages and have gifts doesn’t make you high and exalted. Don’t try to put your wife or husband. This will only lead to competition and in extreme cases, stifling the gift by your spouse. I read about a minister who recognized this truth. He operated in the gifts of healing while the wife was gifted in laying hands especially successful in helping people receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit. It is said when folks seeking baptism of the Spirit came to him, he would send them to his wife.

3. Love Me, No! You Submit.
I like what Keith Moore said in one of his sermons. Ephesians 5 calls for certain groups i.e. wives and husbands to act in some way. It is not Husbands make your wives submit or wives command your husbands to love you.

Competition can be in terms of who will make the other submit/love. The husband is making sure that she submits as she is trying to make sure he loves her. Their efforts are misplaced. Instead of finding ways on how to submit better or love more, we are outdoing each other to see who succumbs first. Then, we brag about how we made them submit or start loving. I have stated this before and I will echo it here. You should concentrate on how to walk in love and submit not trying to act as “holy ghost junior”.

4. Failure to Understand the Love Command
Refer to earlier articles on the commitment to love series especially Part 1 to part 3.

5. Spiritual Immaturity
The bible calls upon us to be spiritual and not carnal or babes. We are to grow out of the babyhood into childhood and then into adulthood. (1st Cor. 3:1-3, 2nd Pet. 2:1-2)
In the Corinthian church, there was strife and divisions with each other trying to outdo the other in spiritual gifts. However Paul calls them carnal and added that they were acting as mere men.

Competition to prove that one is better is a sign of immaturity. Children will argue about who father beats the other’s father. The conversation goes like this;
Child 1: My father beats your father.
Child 2: My father can beat yours with one hand tied at the back.
Child 1: Mine can beat your father with one finger.
They are competing to show theirs is better. It is creepy. I am also perturbed that this is exactly happening in many relationships. Come on, the Father is not competing with the son and neither is the Holy Ghost competing with the father.

A marriage relationship should be that way where strengths are recognized and rejoiced over. We should grow into maturity such that we are not moved by praise or criticism. A mature believer will not be moved by circumstances even when their spouse is in the limelight. They will be glad that their significant other is doing well. A mature believer desires growth in others to their full potential as God planned it.

6. I am the Man
Traditions of men have taught men to beat their chests and avow their authority and leadership in a tyrannical manner such that a man is a dictator, a feared general and not a love figure in a home. Men sometimes are involved in so much lousy talk that they end up importing values of some fool whose home is a replica of Herod’s. I have heard folks who say that if they need food or sex, they have to get it at that exact time. These folks think that being a man means having your way at the expense of your wife. It is little wonder, they die young and their prayers are hindered.
Be the man that God has purposed you to be. Walk in understand and knowledge towards your wife. If she is more spiritual, work on it and become better. If she has been called to ministry, support her and not suppress her. Be involved in her life as you walk in love towards her.